Too Nice

I wrote this nearly a year ago. Writing brings healing.  I can “vent” in written word without hurting anyone with my spoken words. Decided to offer it on my blog now in order to perhaps give others “food for thought”. Don’t know about anyone else, but I am always hungry! So grab a cup of coffee and a piece of humble pie. Happy reading!

Recently a good friend told me .. “Sharon, you are too nice.”

I was struck by that statement. Although, I smiled and blushed and said, thanks, I thought to myself, was that a compliment?

Here’s my question … Can one REALLY be too nice? Isn’t nice a good thing? Kindness and putting others before yourself is exactly what God calls us to be and do. Right? I mean in all my years of being a follower of the Bible that is one of my biggest takeaways from reading it. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, right?

And although oft times I find others seem to  follow the mantra of the Golden Rude (“do for me bc it’s all about me”), which causes me hurt, I keep on plugging away at being “too nice”.

Or am I? Although my friend seems to think I am too nice, I’ve also been told I’m a martyr. Meaning I’ll do and do and do and do for others and then get angry when I feel they mistreat me. Wow! And in which case how terribly wrong is my friend? Does she really know me?

Now to put her statement into context this is what precipitated her statement regarding my niceness. The “too nice” comment was made in reference to how accommodating I was willing to be in regards to a Christmas social gathering I was hosting at my home. The circumstances of how the party came to be at my home was one of the reasons I was “too nice”. Originally another lady who had committed to co-hosting the party with me, had volunteered her home for the gathering. And then my co-hostess friend found out she had a wedding to attend the night of “our party” and wasn’t going to be able to attend “our party” at all. I really didn’t think a lot about either of those things. I mean, after all, things come up. Things happen. We have to be kind and flexible and accommodating, in my opinion. You know, the Golden Rule (do unto others rule) I try to abide by. You know … nice. I wasn’t angry or resentful … or even nice for that matter because when I agreed to the task of co-hosting the party, it wasn’t a matter of nice, it was a matter of there was a job to be done. This co-hostess is a lovely person. She did her part. She came over prior to her wedding on the day of the party and she did all the legwork and preparation for providing the main entree for the meal. She enlisted the help of her good friend to help co-hostess in her absence. She was “nice”. Never did I ever once think I was being taken advantage of.

Too nice? I couldn’t get that comment out of my head, though. In the case of hostessing our party, nope, too nice wasn’t the case. But maybe my friend WAS onto something. For the first time in my life I gave serious thought to that. And here’s what I had to ask myself. Nice is good but what if nice keeps you from setting boundaries? And when you don’t set boundaries, then you set yourself up for being the door mat that others can and will walk on. And then eventually, over time, you become resentful and angry. Man! I’m not feeling so keen on nice all of a sudden.

I recently wrote an article entitled “Humble & Kind”. Shortly after writing that article my husband and I got into a disagreement. Hmm .. how’s that for God smacking you upside the head with a big dose of humility? It was a major disagreement whereby had my friend witnessed it, she would have changed her opinion of me being “too nice”. She would have realized what a hypocrite I am to put all kinds of niceness into the world, yet lose my temper with my husband in such an unnice manner. But then again it was one of those situations whereby I had given and given and given and given some more, in my opinion, only to end up a resentful, angry, threadbare doormat. I realize disagreements happen in marriages and relationships in general, as they are a part of being human, but this was more than a small disagreement. It required an apology on both of our parts the following morning, after tossing and turning all night and going to bed angry.

Regardless of any of the aforementioned thoughts, here are my final thoughts. My friend who said I was too nice? It was definitely a compliment. She is a lovely person, a good friend who also believes in the Golden Rule. She was heaping praise and kindness upon me as she recognized something that I didn’t even see in myself at that moment. The friend co-hosting the party with me? Another lovely lady who I know would never take advantage of anyone. And my husband? In our 36 years of marriage, he has grown and is the first, more often than not, to recognize where he has misstepped. In that particular misunderstanding, he was indeed wrong. He recognized it after also tossing and turning all night. And he was the first to apologize for treating me as a doormat.

As for me? Well, nice me will continue to do what I think is right and … nice. But sometimes not without having to eat a big ole piece of humble pie. And humble pie is my favorite pie because there are no calories .. just a life lesson … on niceness.

Oh, yes indeed, the Golden Rule is still my mantra but I believe I will take pause every now and then to be certain my boundaries are set so anger and resentment don’t bring out the martyr in me. Life is about balance. Being a Christian and following the Golden Rule are of great importance in my recipe book of life but so is my self-esteem and opinion of myself. My religion can trip me up from time to time and keep me from seeing things clearly and the fact that I do matter, also. My daughter posted a birthday wish on Facebook this year and stated “Happy birthday to the least selfish and funniest person I know.” It made me cry because I so appreciated someone sees my heart.

“Don’t sacrifice yourself to your own detriment” is (was) my 2018 New Years resolution.  After all a doormat should be for wiping your feet rather than your kind heart.