Ok … it’s no secret I dislike Halloween. It all started at a sixth grade camp-out whereby we walked down a long, dark road to a … cemetery. I must not have known that’s where we were going because I am certain I would not have gone. Perhaps peer pressure and the thought of staying behind at camp … alone … was my motivation to go. Scary things happen in a cemetery such as ghosts flying around. Right?

I had not given much forethought to that possibility until someone screamed, “Ghost!” That’s all it took! I raced, as if I was a triathlete, down that long, dark road back to camp … oh, by the way, you know, where there was no one to calm my fears. I absolutely would swim, cycle and run to get away from that scary cemetery!

Since those days I still dislike Halloween. I mean c’mom cross dressing in ridiculous outfits running door to door in the dark? Listen up Junior, Superman ain’t real. And lil Sally Sue, Cinderella is a fairy tale. Ain’t no such thing as Prince Charming.

I have a girlfriend in Florida. That chick loves Halloween! Guess what she does for a living? She’s a pathologist. Guess what pathology doctors do for a living? Autopsies! ‘Nuff said!

This year I did my best to put on a Halloween happy face. We moved into a new, lovely neighborhood where there are a lot of children. I got hay bales and placed them by the front door. Pumpkins and wreaths also adorned the entryway. I got bags of M&M’s. Big bags of M&M’s. Then … I went out of town and left my husband to deal with the little ghosts and goblins.

Halloween night he calls me and says, “You know how we’ve never had trick or treaters anywhere we’ve ever lived? Well, we do NOW! I’m out of candy and why do you always leave me on Halloween to deal with this?!” Well … can I help it if my daddy lives in Georgia and his birthday is Halloween Eve? So yeah, I’m leaving you every year. Buck up Bozo!

He tells me he’s digging in the pantry. “Candy, I need more candy. Where’s more candy?!!” He tells me he’s found my secret stash of chocolate. He also comes across some lollipops. Dum Dums – oh the irony! When he’s out of all of that he called to tell me he turned off all the lights – ALL the lights inside and out – and he’s now hiding on the back porch in the dark.

Anyway to make a long story short, Halloween was actually moved up a day while I was gone as inclement weather was impending. That’s why Bozo the Clown got stuck handing out candy. I arrived back home Halloween night just in time to trick or treat with my grandkids. My granddaughter got the memo Cinderella ain’t real and went as a cow girl. My grandson was a cow who turned into a fireman at the church trunk or treat event. A cow fireman all because the town fire truck was there and the firemen were passing out plastic fireman hats.

I had the pleasure of taking my mother-in-love to the event and that was a trip in and of itself. She kept asking what was going on, never seen anything like this before and thought she’d just skip it next year. But the best part … it indeed did start raining and here we are, me and her trying to figure out how to keep her hair from getting wet. Old lady hair cannot under any circumstances get wet. About that time my daughter walks up and my little eyes spy an orange, plastic pumpkin bucket she had brought for the kids to collect their candy. Quick thinker that I am, I just snatched that thing out of her hand and set it right on top of my mother-in-laws head! When I later told the story to other family members their mouths dropped in shock. Who would parade their 95 year old mother-in-law around town with an orange bucket on her head? Muah! Hey, when you forget your umbrella you improvise. I’m real good at quick thinking, I could care less what people think and sometimes a girls just gotta do what a girl has to do and worry about the shock and awe later.

Hmm … maybe I do like Halloween after all! On to Christmas! It always brings more hilarious stories so tune in later. Ho Ho Ho!